The 12 Biggest Assholes of Christmas! Top of the Crop List Special

Christmas is the biggest and most celebrated holiday of the year when everyone gets together, shares the warmth of heart and love, and everything around them feels peachy keen. According to these fine people on this list, none of that matters. These people are merciless, cruel, and so full of hatred that this year, they deserved to be recognized for their naughtiness. Ranging from robbers, business men, robotic mechanisms, and whatever the hell a sack filled with bugs represents, time to give out the honorary coal for the 12 biggest assholes of Christmas.

12. Professor Hinkle (Billy De Wolfe) from Frosty the Snowman

When your hat possesses magical quality and you can’t properly use it, it’s a very bad thing. Enter Professor Hinkle, the worst magician in the world whose magic hat is taken away by his rabbit, Hocus Pocus, to make the titular Frosty appear for the kids. Hinkle steals his hat back only to have it taken away again as the kids take Frosty to the North Pole to make sure he never freezes. Hinkle goes out of his way by traveling by train to hunt Frosty down and basically get his hat. When you really think about it, he is a downright murderer because once he takes that hat off, Frosty will be dead. Imagine that happening before your eyes…that’s horrid. Hinkle is the most evil magician and he is a ‘messy, messy, messy’ villain.

11. Oogie Boogie (Ken Page) from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas

The one that is on the shadow of the moon at night is here to wreck your holidays with fright. After Jack Skellington gets the idea to steal (sorry, ‘make’ Christmas), he calls to the aid of Lock, Shock, and Barrel to get Sandy Claws and says specifically to leave Oogie out of it. What Jack fails to realize in his stupidity is that they are, one, Oogie’s henchmen and, two, they are kids and won’t care what you tell them not to do. When Sandy Claws is in the hands of Oogie, there is virtually no escape from his hands. Voiced wonderfully by Ken Page, Oogie is truly one of the worst when it comes to wrecking Jack’s night with nearly killing a Christmas icon and Sally, Jack’s love interest. Oogie is sort of low on the list along with Hinkle because they both aren’t very threatening, but even being a douche is worthy enough for this list.

10. Harry and Marv (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) from Home Alone

Every Christmas, we all look forward to Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as Harry and Marv getting their asses handed to them by the likes of Kevin McCallister and for good reason. These two are evil and hilarious and the way they play off one another so well, it’s undeniably good. Harry is the smarts and is ruthless where as Marv is dumb and bumbling along for the ride. You can tell these two just can’t wait to see Kevin get pummeled (seriously, Joe Pesci looks like he wants to kill Macaulay Culkin half the time). Having to deal with a brat all by himself is rough enough but add the traps and pure hell. Hell, I root for these guys more than Kevin because they are hilarious. Harry and Marv are a duo worthy of a mention and deliver as classic baddies…and that tarantula scene still makes me giddy as hell.

9. Scut Farkus (Zack Ward) from A Christmas Story

I really, really, fuckin’ hate this kid. Scut Farkus is the epitome of childhood asshole and we’ve all been there. He is that one kid we all had to deal with at one point we’ve wanted to kick the ever loving shit out of. He was that kid that if he took a crap, he thought it was a diamond. Scut Farkus’ part may be small but it leaves a huge impact on everyone since he is a measly little shit. When Ralphie beats the crap out of him, it’s pure icing on the damn cake. I have to admit, though, when Scut is starting to bleed, Ralphie really needed to stop (but he didn’t, so that was pretty sweet also). I firmly believe this character is purely responsible for the myth that gingers have no soul and proof they do. Scut Farkus, damn you and your yellow eyes. Damn you to hell.

8. Burgermeister Meisterburger (Paul Frees) from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

This mayor of Sombertown is nothing but a cold-hearted bastard when it comes to Santa Claus and Christmas. Burgermeister hated fun and hated toys so much that after slipping on a toy, he outright banned them…and Santa for bringing them. He arrested Santa and the Winter Warlock (yea, this special was really odd), ruled the town with an iron fist, and hated anything to do with the Holidays. Thank God for Paul Frees, who voiced Burgermeister, for bringing such a foul and cruel man to life, giving me something to praise for him. And after the whole fall out of Santa and such, does he learn a lesson? Hell no. That’s a real asshole.

7. Robot Santa (John Goodman) from Futurama ‘Xmas Story’

Possibly the only baddie from a television series, Robot Santa is one evil and jolly metallic scare you don’t want to deal with at this time. Originally made to deliever toys, his setting for detecting naughtiness was set very high making everyone at risk of getting mow down by Santa with his laser Tommy gun, tow missile, and reindeer explosives (except Dr. Zoidberg who was nice and got a pogo stick). Robot Santa is terrifying to all of those in the year 3000 and perfectly voiced by John Goodman who is perfect as the role. He made his list and checked it twice and will kill you for not ever being nice. Robot Santa, one of the scariest villains, not only on Christmas, but anytime of year.

6. The Penguin (Danny DeVito) from Batman Returns

Yes, Batman Returns counts as a Christmas film and what perfect villain for Christmas than Oswald Cobblepot himself, The Penguin. The Penguin is one of the more tragic villains on this list but it’s because of his tragedy that makes him worthy of a spot. As he works his way up the social ladder, his full intentions are revealed to kill the first born children of the wealthy and powerful in Gotham…including the man behind the Bat, Bruce Wayne. This all connects to his past as his personal life was destroyed due to his parents of great wealth leaving him behind for dead in the sewers of the city. Penguin is merciless, but very tragic as he just wants the best, but even that screws him up on the inside. Penguin is cruel to just about everyone (and he bit someone nose till it bleed in the film). The Penguin certainly gets a lump of coal to warm him up a bit.

5. The Grinch (Boris Karloff) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Based off the classic Dr. Suess book, The Grinch is a timeless villain who only motive is to make the Whos’ Christmas miserable and filled with sadness and no noise. That’s it and nothing more and it’s perfect. Voiced by the fantastic Boris Karloff, The Grinch is done to a tee of perfection of cold-blooded evil as he goes through the town stealing Christmas. It’s nice to see him learn the errors of his way in the need, but remembering all the wrong he did makes it so worth it. As for the Jim Carrey movie…don’t make me laugh, that’s not the Grinch at all. This is the real Grinch.

4. Stripe (Frank Welker) and the Gremlins from Gremlins
Getting a cute and adorable Mogwai for Christmas is amazing, but once you mess up the rules of caring for it, you might want to think twice about having a Mogwai. Gremlins are the offsprings of the owner’s stupidity by multiplying and causing havoc from killing an old lady, wrecking a theater and destroying and making an entire town go to hell. Headed by the ruthless Stripe, the Gremlins are what we feared come to life by making our surroundings a war zone and making us fear the very existence of these bastards. From a film standpoint, the designs and animotronics for these bastards are brilliant and more fleshed out than today’s cartoon CGI and the theater scene still gets a laugh from me. Gremlins are a delight but something we should never have to deal with. Remember to have a microwave or bright light handy at all times though.

3. Ebenezer Scrooge from any iteration of A Christmas Carol (Photo of my personal favorite, Uncle Scrooge as…well, Scrooge)

Scrooge is a classic villain worthy of any listing. Seriously, he is cold, evil, miserable, measly, and a wreck. Him getting a reality check from three ghosts was the best thing to ever happen in his life, causing this heartless man to get a damn heart for once. Best part is that any iteration is a class act, from the live-action world with rich performances by George C. Scott, Michael Caine, and Patrick Stewart to the animation works with voices by Alan Young (as Scrooge McDuck from DuckTales), Jim Carrey, and Simon Callow, all fantastic no matter what. Scrooge is timeless and memorable for a variety of reason. He may be mean, but he is a fine fit, no matter who he is played or voice by.

2. Henry F. Potter aka Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) from It’s a Wonderful Life

Plenty of the villains prove their power through their actions and villainy, but Mr. Potter is stone-cold evil. Potter’s runs practically half of Bedford Falls making everyone in town fall victim to his businesses by buying them out and has a personal vendetta on George Bailey. This man is heartless, ruthless, and gives me the creeps (which is a compliment to Lionel Barrymore’s fantastic portrayal of such a vicious man). Mr. Potter’s power is through his words and insults to the men he meets and talks to and when face to face with our hero, George Bailey, the only man who can’t break under Mr. Potter’s power. Mr. Potter is a villain for just being frozen on the inside with no care for anyone. As with Scut Farkus, I really fuckin’ hate this man.

And the number one asshole of Christmas is…

1. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) from Die Hard
When deciding this list, the first person that came to my mind was Hans Gruber. Alan Rickman’s first major film role and, my god, is it perfection. Seriously, Hans Gruber is a major asshole throughout and is menancing in every way, shape and form. Leading a hostage takeover at Nakatomi Plaza, Hans Gruber is the biggest dick that can ever takeover a holiday and even killing Joseph Tagaki, Nakatomi’s head exec, in cold-blood. That takes some serious balls and no care for anyone’s life to do. when Hans Gruber finally gets it in the end, you root for McClane and the fact Gruber can never come back. McClane had to put up with all his crap, the LAPD had to put up with it, the news had to put up with it, hostages had to put up with him, and even the SWAT team. Gruber made an event out of the whole thing and didn’t have a care in the goddamn world. That’s why Hans Gruber is the biggest Christmas asshole to ever roam.


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