I figured since this site has officially passed the 100 post mark, I can get a bit personal on here with weekly things plaguing my conscience. I have the category ‘Personal Ramblings’ for a reason, yet have not bothered to use it till now. With this post on want to focus on one thing about myself I need to finally open up about…
I understand personally that I am a pretty odd individual with moments that come off to strong or do not come off strong enough. I blame the personality trait of being awkward. It is not really a big deal, but lately, I have been feeling distraught over the fact that I am associated with the term in the negative light. To those who claim this and say it is a defect, I say to you all, you are absolutely right.
My awkwardness is not the best in the world. In fact, it probably pisses people off more often than not. This combined with my underlying anxiety issues is a constant struggle and I am aware of it. I tend to over-think a situation, get worked up about it and that damn pre-Scott Pilgrim Michael Cera side of me takes over to make sure I do not follow through on it. The awkward takes a hold and does not let me go.
For example, I once had a goal and I was closed to obtaining it or at least having a mild form of success in it. Okay, I will be honest, it was a girl and I got really worked up about it and became kind of an idiot over it, over analyzing what she thought of me, if I was an annoyance and if my awkwardness got in the way. More recently, a friend of mine said I make everything awkward and to stop being that way as it intervenes with getting anything done. I understand were she is coming from and I would like to change that fact, yet it is still me and I probably would be changing for someone else’s benefits rather than mine.
The one upside I could think of is being called ‘adorkable’ on occasion. I personally would not describe myself in such a way because it sounds a bit to self-center to describe myself as such, but I can see were the person is coming from.
That term is nice to hear and I am aware that people do admire my dorkiness and passion for things probably outside of the norm. I am the only person I know who could probably give you a fact about every Disney Animated Feature and make references to the Harlem Renaissance. Yet, the awkwardness does weighs it down. I make it hard on myself to accept myself, to accept a compliment or to pursue wanting to date someone. I once embraced the awkward to my advantage, but even then, it felt selfish, forced and unnecessary.
Maybe I am thinking too much about my own personality trait and just wish to fix it. I do understand I need to break out of my shell a bit, go out and get a experience. A new sense of wonder, as it were, to break from the chains of the awkward being. Maybe my awkwardness is a good thing and I just do not realize it because of my own idiocy in my mind is telling me not to accept who I am. Whatever it is, I intend to figure it out.
Till the next rambling.