Personal Rambling: Confessions of a Suicidal Mind

Hello, readers. My name is Sergio J. Berrueta, taking a break from the humor reviews and stupid references to write about a subject close to my heart and something I wanted to approach when the time was right. It will be morbid and a bit out of my genuinely happy attitude. The time is now right to talk about my personal experience with suicide.

Around the year 2002, I started to go to develop issues within myself that I could not figure out. I woke up one morning and just said to myself Is this it? Is this how it’s suppose to be? That is an odd question for a ten year old boy to wonder about. It was as if I came the the realization that I can end it all. My father had been gone for a good three years at this point and without a ‘role model’, I was stuck in a house with my mom, my sister and an aunt who decided to move in. I thought to myself That’s it. I’m ready to get out of here. Not just the house, not just this place, but out of this Earth for good. I’m killing myself.

Thus began my downfall into a depression I couldn’t get out of, outbursts in the classroom, and constant attempts to end it all. The ways I attempted to end it all were astounding in the worse way possible. From cutting myself constantly to going off the roof of my own house, it was quite dangerous trying to find the easy way out. Anger and sadness controlled every other emotion and aspect of me. I fought with others until I unleashed my rage. I busted someone’s head open once, a moment I regret to this very day. I threatened to kill others who got in my way turning myself into an unstoppable monster who should have been put down. It all came to head one day.

I got into an outburst filled with rage til I sat alone in my room to figure out what exactly caused this whole tirade. It had been about six or eight months since my downward spiral (I have a vague memory when it comes to dates). It wasn’t my dad, even though I despise the thought of him. It wasn’t school because I was doing fine and in the best class despite my behavior. It wasn’t my home life because I grew to realize the women raising me were putting me on the right path to become the man my father couldn’t teach me to be. I just wondered until it hit me to a resounding What have I done? came into my mind.I had a wonderful older friend at the time named Michael. He was around thirteen at the time and showed me the ropes in video games and the various reptiles he kept as pets. He introduced me to Halo, a franchise that holds a special place in my heart thanks to him. We conversed about things boys converse about at that age and loved to talk about the next time we meet up. He enjoyed paintball as a hobby and activity and said we could eventually paintball one day.

Sadly, that never happened at all.

Michael was found dead in the backyard by his father after killing himself with a self-inflicted gunshot. Imagine losing a friend at that age, a great companion. My spiral started because of my blame and guilt. I lost someone and blamed myself for it. I blamed myself for my dad leaving, Michael’s death, and everything wrong around me. I was ridiculed because of my self-destruction furthering my own blame. I broke myself. Michael would have been disappointed with me. I decided to change.

It has been about ten years since the spiral and I’m better now. I turned my anger and sadness into creativity. I helped others deal with their problems similar to mine to help them see the world. I realized that despite all the problems, the world was still turning and everything was going to be fine. I was happy once again.

Yet, many are still out there struggling with suicide and the thoughts that come out from it. For those who know anyone that is suffering from the same experiences or even is thinking about committing suicide, give them a hand. Show them that the world will feel empty without them and that it will get better than what it is eventually. If you are personally feeling the same feelings, do not hesitate and dial the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to have a guiding hand to comfort you.

Hope this will shed some light on the subject.


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