The 12 Biggest Assholes of Christmas! Top of the Crop List Special

Christmas is the biggest and most celebrated holiday of the year when everyone gets together, shares the warmth of heart and love, and everything around them feels peachy keen. According to these fine people on this list, none of that matters. These people are merciless, cruel, and so full of hatred that this year, they deserved to be recognized for their naughtiness. Ranging from robbers, business men, robotic mechanisms, and whatever the hell a sack filled with bugs represents, time to give out the honorary coal for the 12 biggest assholes of Christmas.

12. Professor Hinkle (Billy De Wolfe) from Frosty the Snowman

When your hat possesses magical quality and you can’t properly use it, it’s a very bad thing. Enter Professor Hinkle, the worst magician in the world whose magic hat is taken away by his rabbit, Hocus Pocus, to make the titular Frosty appear for the kids. Hinkle steals his hat back only to have it taken away again as the kids take Frosty to the North Pole to make sure he never freezes. Hinkle goes out of his way by traveling by train to hunt Frosty down and basically get his hat. When you really think about it, he is a downright murderer because once he takes that hat off, Frosty will be dead. Imagine that happening before your eyes…that’s horrid. Hinkle is the most evil magician and he is a ‘messy, messy, messy’ villain.

11. Oogie Boogie (Ken Page) from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas

The one that is on the shadow of the moon at night is here to wreck your holidays with fright. After Jack Skellington gets the idea to steal (sorry, ‘make’ Christmas), he calls to the aid of Lock, Shock, and Barrel to get Sandy Claws and says specifically to leave Oogie out of it. What Jack fails to realize in his stupidity is that they are, one, Oogie’s henchmen and, two, they are kids and won’t care what you tell them not to do. When Sandy Claws is in the hands of Oogie, there is virtually no escape from his hands. Voiced wonderfully by Ken Page, Oogie is truly one of the worst when it comes to wrecking Jack’s night with nearly killing a Christmas icon and Sally, Jack’s love interest. Oogie is sort of low on the list along with Hinkle because they both aren’t very threatening, but even being a douche is worthy enough for this list.

10. Harry and Marv (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) from Home Alone

Every Christmas, we all look forward to Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern as Harry and Marv getting their asses handed to them by the likes of Kevin McCallister and for good reason. These two are evil and hilarious and the way they play off one another so well, it’s undeniably good. Harry is the smarts and is ruthless where as Marv is dumb and bumbling along for the ride. You can tell these two just can’t wait to see Kevin get pummeled (seriously, Joe Pesci looks like he wants to kill Macaulay Culkin half the time). Having to deal with a brat all by himself is rough enough but add the traps and pure hell. Hell, I root for these guys more than Kevin because they are hilarious. Harry and Marv are a duo worthy of a mention and deliver as classic baddies…and that tarantula scene still makes me giddy as hell.

9. Scut Farkus (Zack Ward) from A Christmas Story

I really, really, fuckin’ hate this kid. Scut Farkus is the epitome of childhood asshole and we’ve all been there. He is that one kid we all had to deal with at one point we’ve wanted to kick the ever loving shit out of. He was that kid that if he took a crap, he thought it was a diamond. Scut Farkus’ part may be small but it leaves a huge impact on everyone since he is a measly little shit. When Ralphie beats the crap out of him, it’s pure icing on the damn cake. I have to admit, though, when Scut is starting to bleed, Ralphie really needed to stop (but he didn’t, so that was pretty sweet also). I firmly believe this character is purely responsible for the myth that gingers have no soul and proof they do. Scut Farkus, damn you and your yellow eyes. Damn you to hell.

8. Burgermeister Meisterburger (Paul Frees) from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

This mayor of Sombertown is nothing but a cold-hearted bastard when it comes to Santa Claus and Christmas. Burgermeister hated fun and hated toys so much that after slipping on a toy, he outright banned them…and Santa for bringing them. He arrested Santa and the Winter Warlock (yea, this special was really odd), ruled the town with an iron fist, and hated anything to do with the Holidays. Thank God for Paul Frees, who voiced Burgermeister, for bringing such a foul and cruel man to life, giving me something to praise for him. And after the whole fall out of Santa and such, does he learn a lesson? Hell no. That’s a real asshole.

7. Robot Santa (John Goodman) from Futurama ‘Xmas Story’

Possibly the only baddie from a television series, Robot Santa is one evil and jolly metallic scare you don’t want to deal with at this time. Originally made to deliever toys, his setting for detecting naughtiness was set very high making everyone at risk of getting mow down by Santa with his laser Tommy gun, tow missile, and reindeer explosives (except Dr. Zoidberg who was nice and got a pogo stick). Robot Santa is terrifying to all of those in the year 3000 and perfectly voiced by John Goodman who is perfect as the role. He made his list and checked it twice and will kill you for not ever being nice. Robot Santa, one of the scariest villains, not only on Christmas, but anytime of year.

6. The Penguin (Danny DeVito) from Batman Returns

Yes, Batman Returns counts as a Christmas film and what perfect villain for Christmas than Oswald Cobblepot himself, The Penguin. The Penguin is one of the more tragic villains on this list but it’s because of his tragedy that makes him worthy of a spot. As he works his way up the social ladder, his full intentions are revealed to kill the first born children of the wealthy and powerful in Gotham…including the man behind the Bat, Bruce Wayne. This all connects to his past as his personal life was destroyed due to his parents of great wealth leaving him behind for dead in the sewers of the city. Penguin is merciless, but very tragic as he just wants the best, but even that screws him up on the inside. Penguin is cruel to just about everyone (and he bit someone nose till it bleed in the film). The Penguin certainly gets a lump of coal to warm him up a bit.

5. The Grinch (Boris Karloff) from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Based off the classic Dr. Suess book, The Grinch is a timeless villain who only motive is to make the Whos’ Christmas miserable and filled with sadness and no noise. That’s it and nothing more and it’s perfect. Voiced by the fantastic Boris Karloff, The Grinch is done to a tee of perfection of cold-blooded evil as he goes through the town stealing Christmas. It’s nice to see him learn the errors of his way in the need, but remembering all the wrong he did makes it so worth it. As for the Jim Carrey movie…don’t make me laugh, that’s not the Grinch at all. This is the real Grinch.

4. Stripe (Frank Welker) and the Gremlins from Gremlins
Getting a cute and adorable Mogwai for Christmas is amazing, but once you mess up the rules of caring for it, you might want to think twice about having a Mogwai. Gremlins are the offsprings of the owner’s stupidity by multiplying and causing havoc from killing an old lady, wrecking a theater and destroying and making an entire town go to hell. Headed by the ruthless Stripe, the Gremlins are what we feared come to life by making our surroundings a war zone and making us fear the very existence of these bastards. From a film standpoint, the designs and animotronics for these bastards are brilliant and more fleshed out than today’s cartoon CGI and the theater scene still gets a laugh from me. Gremlins are a delight but something we should never have to deal with. Remember to have a microwave or bright light handy at all times though.

3. Ebenezer Scrooge from any iteration of A Christmas Carol (Photo of my personal favorite, Uncle Scrooge as…well, Scrooge)

Scrooge is a classic villain worthy of any listing. Seriously, he is cold, evil, miserable, measly, and a wreck. Him getting a reality check from three ghosts was the best thing to ever happen in his life, causing this heartless man to get a damn heart for once. Best part is that any iteration is a class act, from the live-action world with rich performances by George C. Scott, Michael Caine, and Patrick Stewart to the animation works with voices by Alan Young (as Scrooge McDuck from DuckTales), Jim Carrey, and Simon Callow, all fantastic no matter what. Scrooge is timeless and memorable for a variety of reason. He may be mean, but he is a fine fit, no matter who he is played or voice by.

2. Henry F. Potter aka Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) from It’s a Wonderful Life

Plenty of the villains prove their power through their actions and villainy, but Mr. Potter is stone-cold evil. Potter’s runs practically half of Bedford Falls making everyone in town fall victim to his businesses by buying them out and has a personal vendetta on George Bailey. This man is heartless, ruthless, and gives me the creeps (which is a compliment to Lionel Barrymore’s fantastic portrayal of such a vicious man). Mr. Potter’s power is through his words and insults to the men he meets and talks to and when face to face with our hero, George Bailey, the only man who can’t break under Mr. Potter’s power. Mr. Potter is a villain for just being frozen on the inside with no care for anyone. As with Scut Farkus, I really fuckin’ hate this man.

And the number one asshole of Christmas is…

1. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) from Die Hard
When deciding this list, the first person that came to my mind was Hans Gruber. Alan Rickman’s first major film role and, my god, is it perfection. Seriously, Hans Gruber is a major asshole throughout and is menancing in every way, shape and form. Leading a hostage takeover at Nakatomi Plaza, Hans Gruber is the biggest dick that can ever takeover a holiday and even killing Joseph Tagaki, Nakatomi’s head exec, in cold-blood. That takes some serious balls and no care for anyone’s life to do. when Hans Gruber finally gets it in the end, you root for McClane and the fact Gruber can never come back. McClane had to put up with all his crap, the LAPD had to put up with it, the news had to put up with it, hostages had to put up with him, and even the SWAT team. Gruber made an event out of the whole thing and didn’t have a care in the goddamn world. That’s why Hans Gruber is the biggest Christmas asshole to ever roam.


Back to the Drawing Board: Landmark Firsts of Animation

Welcome to Back to the Drawing Board, a celebration of animation at a glance thanks in part to my sister, Jenni Chante, and I’s love for this particular art form of filmmaking. We have decided to take some time to give our views on popular and obscure films of animation, either retrospectively or with fresh eyes, giving a personal view. Animation isn’t a genre. It is a variety of genres ranging from adventure to horror to fantasy. It also certainly is not ‘kids stuff’. Animation can tell the simplest childhood story to the darkest and high complex adult stories. Animation isn’t the lowest common denominator of filmmaking.  It takes hard work and talent, be it with the hundreds or dozens of hands of animators, thousands of codes on a keyboard, or even cutting piles construction paper to bring it to life.

Animation knows no bounds.

Time to start with the first landmarks of animation being the first stopmotion film (The Adventures of Prince Achmed), the first feature length animated feature (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), and the first  CGI animated feature (Toy Story).

The Adventures of Prince Achmed (1926)

Serg Beret: I had seen this film before many years ago on Turner Classic Movies as they were running a retrospective on animation. I never knew that there was an animated film before Snow White, let alone a stopmotion feature. Prince Achmed is another adaptation (possibly even first) of the 1001 Arabian Nights story telling the tale of Prince Achmed reclaiming control of his lamp to take down the African Sorceror with the aid of Aladdin. A typical fairy tale, but told in pure silence and silhouette. Don’t let that steer the viewers wrong because it is a wonderful film with fantastic use of bright colors and thrilling music to get its point across. Originally a lost film, the restoration of Prince Achmed is a true stellar wonder and a classic.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Serg Beret: Snow White and the Sven Dwarfs is the hardest to talk about because everything that I could say about it has already been said.The animation is stunning, the story, though simplistic, is lovely, and the songs still hang on today. It remains one of my favorite animated features combining beauty and emotion to grab you from the beginning and never let you go. The climax and finale of the highlights of the film. Snow White eating the apple and the dwarfs chasing after the treacherous queen to avenge Snow White is thrilling. The funeral for Snow White is heartbreaking, but the finale is what wraps it all together. Prince Charming comes to save Snow White with the kiss of true love letting the violins swell, the chorus sings, and they live happily ever after. I recently watched it again by myself with the volume way up and brought to tears finally appreciating what a wonder it is. Snow White is the fairest of all for all these reasons, paving the way for what animation is today.

Jenni Chante: Before I get to talking about the film, I will admit that Snow White is not my favorite princess that Disney has brought to the screen. The movie itself is very well done and the animations and look of the film is breathtaking. The character are fun and memorable with the Dwarfs stealing the show. I love how every dwarf has a different personality and style to them. Snow White, as I mentioned before, is not my favorite princess but she is far from being the worst. The voice of her is fantastic and I do decent impression of it. This film I will always remember as being the first film and the first Disney feature overall bringing Disney to the world.

Toy Story (1995)

Serg Beret:  Pixar’s first full length animated feature, Toy Story, is the complete opposite of Snow White, not because it is a bad first step, but it is a completely original concept. From the ground up, the team at Pixar made an animated comedy that breaks away from the mold that Disney set with the renaissance containing the Broadway musical spectacle elements and becomes something they can make their own. The characters are still memorable and the story is still a delight as Buzz and Woody must try to escape the hands of the evil Sid Philips, while Buzz slowly realizes he is, in fact, a toy. It’s emotional, it’s laugh out loud funny, but at it’s core, it is a classic buddy comedy and a near-perfect one at that. Hell, I still chuckle at the amount of Buzz related puns and I hate puns. Like Snow White before it, it paved the way for a new step in the animation genre and lead to a string of sequels, which is a legacy in its own right. Toy Story is a classic and I love every minute of it.

Jenni Chante: This was the first CGI animated film and, as we know, CGI animation and films have started to become better over the years. There is no denying though: Toy Story is still pretty damn good. The characters are so interesting and delightful, despite my hatred fro Mr. Potato Head. This film was amazing and because of it, I would leave toys out and hide just toy see if they would move. The movie brings a lot of memories when I look back on it and I will never forget it.

Next time, we take a look at the works of Hayao Miyzaki and Studio Ghibli with the 1989’s Kiki’s Delivery Service, 1997’s Princess Mononoke, and the magnum opus that is 2001’s Spirited Away.

Back to the Drawing Board Official Film List
Animation Collage by ~trevmovie (Devianart)

Back to the Drawing Board will be a celebration of the wonders of animation and what is has brought to life. Unfortunately, it is a series only for December, but may become a bi-weekly series if successful or deemed by me as worth keeping. This first time around, we are covering a handful of films with obvious choices and others that might be a bit obscure and out of nowhere.

Me and my sister, Jenni Beret, are covering animated features all the month of December with Back to the Drawing Board. Two to three films will be covered every day or other day. Ranging from the wonders of Disney to the dark and grittiness of Ralph Bashki to the future and a look at the past, Back to the Drawing is a celebration of the art form. Like 007 in 23: 23 Days of Bond, a majority of these films will be seen with fresh eyes and others with a retrospective view. a Christmas Special covering Christmas animated films and specials.

These films are (In Alphabetical Order):

  • A Goofy Movie
  • A Scanner Darkly
  • The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
  • Aladdin and the King of Thieves
  • Alice in Wonderland
  • An American Tail
  • Anastasia
  • Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
  • Beauty and the Beast
  • Beowulf
  • The Black Cauldron
  • Brave
  • Cats Don’t Dance 
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Meatball
  • Cool World
  • Coraline
  • Curious George
  • Despicable Me
  • Dumbo
  • Family Guy: The Untold Story of Stewie Griffin
  • Fantasia
  • Fire and Ice
  • Futurama: Bender’s Big Score
  • Heavy Traffic
  • Here Comes the Littles
  • The Hunchback of Notre Dame
  • Ice Age
  • Iron Giant
  • Justice League: The New Frontier
  • The Land Before Time
  • The Last Unicorn
  • The Lion King
  • The Little Mermaid
  • The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas 
  • Oliver and Company 
  • The Pagemaster
  • Paprika
  • Perfect Blue
  • The Prince of Egypt
  • Princess Mononake
  • The Princess and the Frog
  • Recess: School’s Out
  • The Rescuers Down Under
  • Rock & Rule
  • Sailor Moon Trilogy
  • The Secret of NIMH 
  • The Secret of the Kells
  • Secret of the Wings (aka Tinker Bell and the Secret of the Wings)
  • Shrek 2
  • The Simpsons Movie
  • Snoopy, Come Home
  • Snow White and the Seven Dwarf
  • South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut
  • Spirited Away
  • Tangled
  • The Thief and The Cobbler: The Recobbled Cut
  • Thumbelina
  • Toy Story
  • Up
  • Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of Were-Rabbit
  • Watership Down 
  • When the Wind Blows
  • Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  • Wizards

At The Start of Cataclysm

Sitting as I watch the world in front of me go down
I start to wonder if I should be wearing this frown
Looking back on the past, the present, and a future in doom
Seems like there has been nothing worth mentioning from the mind I call a room
The sky is crumbling and God cries with madness with tears streaming from his face
The devil himself sarcastically cackles in at the suffering takes place
People I have loved and lost are falling or sailing to their places of purpose in the afterlife
I have no place in the second realm’s universe after all my strife
No contributions I have made can fix the damage that is being done
And in the nightmarish end we have all but won
Rambling and rambling as the world finally falls is all I can do
A cataclysm is at hand with Mother Nature releasing her wrath
And there is nothing that can save myself or anyone else